i'll add new stuff at the bottom.
Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. No one but you knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is crystal clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under water.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
<< > Subject: THE MAN CODE
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolate".
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and
should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limits-forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10
scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast,
your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission
and he, in return, is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see
nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30
minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her
gal pal's significant dick-heads --- low-level sports bonding is all
the law requires.
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never
ask who's playing.
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if
you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare
excuses about joining the priesthood.
20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours
his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a
good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers." Nice ass, are you a
Sagittarius?"
25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to
his beer.
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.
28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom.
29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
not join him... too gay.
30. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must
attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look
you in the eye,and deliver a "F*CK OFF!" You are absolved of your
responsibility.
31. The morning after you and a babe who were formerly "just friends"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Here's 7 funny pictures.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
You've got to love Andy. He always knows how to put things into perspective.
Andy Rooney On Prisoners: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars
a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill to generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Andy Rooney On Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."
Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Andy Rooney On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone."(Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. "This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood".
Andy Rooney on the Word Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very holesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests? Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Andy Rooney On Answering Machines: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
THE MOST OFFENSIVE WORLD RECORDS!!
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out
of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches
from the armpits and
28 inches from her vagina
.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without
preparation, completely
insert a lubricated American football into her
vagina.
ZITS
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England,
squeezed a zit and
projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a
distance of 7ft 1inch.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage
and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen
on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very
recently attained bull semen.
It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York.
It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of
French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed,
but served with a tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella
and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial'
amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the
greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of
ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American who,
produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12
mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is
banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart
for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The Breakdown on Hoez
10. "The Undercover Ho" - This type of ho often goes unnoticed in
the
community, and can only be detected by a trained eye. She holds down
a
decent job during the day, but is secretly ho'ing around with at
least
5 different trifling men.Two of these men are married, and at least
one
of these mens is dating her best friend.
9. "The Church Ho" - Her hair and nails is always did. This ho be in
church every Sunday and carries a Bible with her at all times, but
spends
Tuesday thru Saturday night of every week in a different club. She
is
sometimes mistaken for the Uncover Ho.
8. "High Class Ho" (also known as the "The Glamour Ho") - This type
of
ho rocks Prada and Versace, and only dates players, ballers, and
shot
callers. She is most often the cause of some fight in a club
(i.e.Source
Awards). She tries to act like she's got class but confuses regular
English
with Ebonics. She also has trouble with simple arithmetic.
7. "Ole Ho" - The Ole Ho used to be tight "in her day", and thinks
she
"still looks good for her age". She tries to wear all the Soul Train
fashions, thinking that she will blend in with the rest of the
hunnies. You
can find her at any club on any given night, grinding on the dance
floor
during any song, with any man, of any age.
6. "Nasty Ho" - This Ho has not exactly been blessed in the looks
department, but is usually very popular with the mens for her other
talents. Most often she has a 'tight' body, and can be found working
in
a strip club.
5. "Sneaky Ho" - The Sneaky Ho cannot be trusted in anyone's home or
with anyone's man. Money and other personal items "turn up missing"
not
long after she's gone. She is always "dipped" and can never remember
where
she's purchased the coveted item of clothing. The Sneaky Ho aspires
to be
Undercover Ho but has already made too many enemies by stealing.
4. "Project Ho" - This Ho is living ghetto fabulous, squeezing money
and trinkets out of her drug dealing "baby daddies". She likes to
fight,
and you will most often hear her before you see her.
3. "Stupid Ho" - She is usually very cute. The Stupid Ho keeps a
string of mens who constantly come over after midnight for bootie
calls.
They often return to eat her food, watch her cable, and borrow her
car and/or
money. She complains about them to her friends (i.e. Sneaky Ho and
Project
Ho) but never does anything about it.
2. "Crazy Ho" - This is a popular Ho. Although she is very smart,
the
Crazy Ho is virtually an upgrade from the Stupid Ho. She has the
same
terrible luck with men, but unlike the Stupid Ho, she seeks revenge.
Her
area of expertise include slashing tire, keying cars, making prank
calls from
unlisted numbers, visiting the trifling man (or other Ho's) job, and
appearing on Judge Mathis for any of the aforementioned activities.
... and Finally!
1. "The Stank Ho" - This is perhaps the most popular Ho of them all.
The Stank Ho has appeared on shows such as Ricky Lake, Jerry
Springer, and
Jenny Jones. She has deluded herself into believing that she is
beautiful,
and she sleeps with everyone to justify it. Her choice of wardrobe
most
often includes spandex (of every color), bra tops, and stripper
shoes. She
has a permanent "unwashed" look bout herself that cannot be removed
with
any amount of water or soap.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Things I've Learned from My Children.
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.
ft. house four inches deep
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them
with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough; however, if tied to a paint can,
to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is
on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up
a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long
way.
6. The glass in windows (even doubled paned) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's
already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A
magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGO'S will pass through the digestive tract of a
four-year-old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same
sentence.
12. Super Glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O
15. VCR's do not eject PB & J sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make a lot of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a five-minute
response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make worms
dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The year is 1902, only 100 years ago. What a difference a century makes!
* The average life expectancy in the United States was 47. (Wow!)
* Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
* Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call
from Denver to New York City cost $11.
* There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved
roads.
* The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
* Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California
was only the 21s! t most populous state in the Union.
* The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
* The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour. The average
U.S. worker made between $200 - $400 per year.
* A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a
dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year,
and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
* More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
* Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education.
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were
condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
* Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were 14 cents a d! ozen. Coffee
cost 15 cents a pound.
* Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or
egg yolks for shampoo.
* Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the
country for any reason.
* The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
* The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico,
Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
* The population of Las Vegas, Nev. was 30.
* Crossword puzzles, canned beer and iced tea hadn't been! invented.
* There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
* One in 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of
all Americans had graduated from high school.
* Marijuana, heroin and morphine were all available over-the-counter
at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the
complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels
and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
* Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one
full-time servant or domestic help.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
i'm not sure if all of these are true or not. if you know for sure, then, make
a big sign that says you know, and then throw the sign away.
Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo".
It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. (The other 65% want to be. The grass is always greener...)
There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
Pound for pound (kilo for kilo), hamburgers cost more than new cars.
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches.
Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.
More than one million Earths could fit inside the sun.
By the age of 75, the average American has created about 110,000 pounds of garbage.
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
When you sneeze, the air shoots out of your nose at about 100 miles per hour.
There is enough energy in one bolt of lightning to power a home for two weeks.
Astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin ate roasted turkey from foil packets at their first meal on the moon.
In Miami, Florida, roosting vultures have taken to snatching poodles from rooftop patios.
A living tree never stops growing.
Giraffes have the same number of neck bones as humans: seven.
A hummingbird's heart beats 1,260 times per minute.
If you unfolded your brain, it would cover an ironing board.
There is a canyon on Mars that would stretch from New York to San Francisco.
The average one-dollar bill wears out in less than two years.
The human body produces more than a pint of sweat each day.
The lips of a hippopotamus are nearly two feet wide.
Footprints astronauts make on the moon will remain for millions of years: there's no wind to blow them away.
The elephant is the only animal with four knees.
The world's longest-named lake has 45 letters (Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg)
Sunglasses became popular in the 1920's when movie stars began wearing them to cut the camera's bright lights.
The two most commonly sold items in grocery stores are breakfast cereals and soda.
Scientists think the universe is 15 billion years old.
Female mosquitoes flap their wings nearly 500 times per second.
The energy given off by a hurricane in one day would power the entire U.S for three years.
On average, each american ate 4.4 pounds of jelly last year.
The rings of Saturn are made of ice chunks-some as small as an ice cube some as big as a house.
Babies start dreaming even before they're born.
If you weighed all the earthworms in the U.S, they'd be about 55 times heavier than the combined weight of all Americans.
Ice-cream cones were first served in 1904 at the world's fair in St. Louis, MO.
About 300 years ago, people used toothbrushes made from hog bristles.
Io, a moon of jupiter, has the most active volcanoes in the solar system.
People use 200 muscles when they walk.
The average American eats about seven pounds of potato chips a year.
The hurricane plant has holes in its leave-which keep it from being destroyed by wind.
An elephant's trunk can hold two gallons of water.
The canopy of a rainforest is so thick, only one percent of sunlight reaches the ground.
More than 1,800 medals are awarded at the Olympics.
Unlike humans, canaries can regenerate their brain cells.
The clouds on Venus are made of deadly sulfuric acid.
Cockroaches can survive underwater for up to 15 minutes.
The liver performs more than 500 different functions, including storing vitamins and removing harmful chemicals from the blood.
Sharks have no air bladders, so they must swim constantly or they'll sink.
A diamond is the hardest natural substance.
The Galileo spacecraft traveled to Jupiter at a speed of 107,000 mph-fast enough to cross the U.S. in 85 seconds.
The world's oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old.
The saguaro cactus of the Arizona Desert grows less than one inch in it's first 10 years.
On average, people spend more than five years of their lives dreaming.
Saturn isn't the only planet with rings: Jupiter, Uranus and Neptune have them, too.
Your eyeballs are three and a half percent salt.
Flamingos lay their eggs on top of volcano-shaped nests made of mud.
People began surfing in Hawaii before Columbus sailed to America.
An anteater sticks its tongue in and out 100 times per minute to slurp up its food.
The world's fastest-growing plant is the giant water lily, which grows almost a foot a day.
Track athletes are most likely to break records later in the day, when their body temperatures are highest.
Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust-even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.
Astronauts wear an underwear lined with water tubes to keep cool.
During your lifetime, you will shed about 40 pounds of skin.
Earth's oceans contain 7 1/2 million tons of gold, dissolved in the water.
Just like fingerprints, no two lip prints are alike.
A banana is about 75 percent water.
Some yak's milk is pink.
The average human head weighs about 10 pounds.
Gum on postage stamps have from two to eight calories.
The winds on Saturn blow at 1,200 mph-10 times faster than a strong Earth hurricane.
When baby giraffes are born, they drop six feet to the ground and land on their heads.
The pouch under a pelican's bill holds up to 25 pounds of fish and water.
Your body has over 40 miles of nerves.
A car traveling 100 mph would take more than 29 million years to reach the nearest star.
A lobster can lay up to 150,000 eggs at one time.
A dog can understand between 35 to 40 commands.
The average American makes six trips to the bathroom every day-that's about 2 1/2 years of your life down the drain.
Over 10 million Indonesians are boy scouts.
In most advertisements the time displayed on an analog watch is 10:10.
There are almost 2 billion Christians in the world, about a billion Muslims, 800 million Hindus, 300 million Buddhists, and 14 million Jews.
According to the World Heath Organization, there are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.
David Prouse (the man inside the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars) spoke all of his lines in the first movie. He did not know that his voice was being dubbed over with that of James Earl Jones until he saw the finished movie.
Giraffes have no vocal chords.
The highest point in Virginia is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Cats can make over 1,000 different vocal sounds, and dogs can make only about 10.
The only known English word that you cannot rhyme is orange.
White dwarf stars can be as small as 1,000 miles across.
In the course of a lifetime the average person will grow 2 meters of nose hair.
Since the successful launch of space shuttle Columbia on mission STS-90 there have been more crickets in space than humans.
The national dish of the Faroe Islands is Puffin stuffed with Rhubarb.
The tongue of a blue whale weighs more than most elephants.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter of the alphabet
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now in my 40's and am looking for a girl with very big boobs.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A WOMAN'S DICTIONARY
1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they
feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It
means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she
looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
yourfootball game is going to last before you take out the trash,
so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. "Nothing"
Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies
an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word Fine."
4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission,
the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll
have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you
want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in
just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk
to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement.
Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you
are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."
7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the
few things that some men actually understand. It means she is
momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope
that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. "Oh"
This word -- followed by any statement - is trouble. Example;
"Oh,let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were
doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not
walk,to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she
is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to
talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence
usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more
to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow. "Go ahead,"
sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't>bring myself to
write about them.
9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's
Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a
raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you
are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the
chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words,
a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this
correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden
meaning. Just say "you're welcome."
12. "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say
"Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually
followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in
some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong>after the "Loud
Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the
boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like
to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family
pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to
the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
NEW AGE HOROSCOPE
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21- Feb. 18): You have an inventive mind and are inclined
to
be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined
to
be careless and impractical which causes you to make the same mistakes
repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk!
PISCES ( Feb. 19- March 20 ): You have a vivid imagination and often think
you
are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence over your
friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack
confidence
and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick
their
noses a lot.
ARIES ( March 21- April 19 ): You are the pioneer type and hold most
people
in con-tempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.
You are a prick. No one likes you.
TAURUS ( April 20- May 20 ): You are practical and persistent. You have a
dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
stubborn
and bullheaded. You are nothing but a fucking communist.
GEMINI ( May 21- June 20 ): You are a quick and intelligent thinker.
People
like you because you are bisexual, however, you are inclined to expect too
much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are
notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER ( June 21- July 22 ): You are sympathetic and understanding to
other
people's problems; they think you are a sucker. You are always putting
things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and never be worth a
shit.
LEO ( July 23- August 22 ): You consider yourself a born leader. Others
think
you are pushy. Most Leos are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism.
Your
arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thriving bastards and kiss mirrors
a
lot.
VIRGO ( Aug. 23- Sept. 21 ): You are the logical type and hate disorder.
This fucking nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus
drivers
and pimps.
LIBRA ( Sept. 23- Oct. 22 ): You are the artistic type and have a difficult
time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for
unemployment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores.
All Libras die of veneral disease.
SCORPIO ( Oct. 23- Nov.21 ): You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted.
You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS ( Nov. 22- Dec. 21 ): You are optimisttic and enthusiastic. You
have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The
majority of Sagitarri-ans are drunks or potheads. People laugh at you
because
you are always getting fucked.
CAPRICORN ( Dec. 22- Jan. 20 ): You are conservative and afraid of taking
risks. You are basically a chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn
of
any importance. You should kill yourself.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth, and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
the
wallet of every male.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFE: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFE: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFE: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFE: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
And finally ...........
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFE: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
You might be from the Pacific Northwest if you:
1. Know the state flower (Mildew).
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in
the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it
means.
4. Know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. Know more people who own boats than air
conditioners.
6. Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice
restaurant.
7. Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for
the "Walk" signal.
8. Consider that if it has no snow or has not
recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.
9. Can taste the difference between Starbucks,
Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.
10. Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and
Sockeye salmon.
11. Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah,
Oregon, and Willamette.
12. Consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese
and Thai food.
14. In winter, go to work in the dark and come home
in the dark-while only working eight-hour days.
15. Never go camping without waterproof matches and a
poncho.
16. Are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers
followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain
followed by showers."
17. You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun
breaks".
18. Have no concept of humidity without
precipitation.
19. Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just
a state of mind.
20. Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you
cannot see through the cloud cover.
21. You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a
pretty day and you can actually see it.
22. Put on your shorts when the temperature gets
above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
23. Switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but
keep the socks on.
24. Have actually used your mountain bike on a
mountain.
25. Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps
or tourists.
26. Knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's
window was fake.
27. Buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't
find the old ones after such a long time.
28. You measure distance in hours.
29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same
day.
30. You use a down comforter in the summer.
31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife
knows how to use them.
32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit
under a raincoat.
33. You know all the important seasons: Almost
Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road
Construction (Summer) Deer & Elk season (Fall).
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-